“Why did I become a product tester? Machines hate me. I should be working at a job that I have some kinda aptitude for, like donating sperm to an artificial insemination lab.”
“Can you believe that? She says I’m not leader enough for her. Who was she looking for, Hitler?”
“Yes, well, freedom is wonderful. On the other hand, if you’re dead, it’s a tremendous drawback to your sex life.”
“I’m so depressed... I’d kill myself if I thought that she would marry me.”
“If they should try to overthrow, I have made a deal for reinforcements. With the UJA.” “You mean the CIA, excellence? The UJA is the United Jewish Appeal.” “Uh oh.”
“I’m doing a sociological study on perversion. I’m up to advanced child-molesting.”
“I wet my bed as a child, and I had an electric blanket. It was terrible, I was always electrocuting myself.”
“Have you ever been to Denmark?” “Yes, I went to the Vatican.” “The Vatican is in Rome...” “Yes, but it was doing so well, they opened one in Denmark.”
“I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.”
“I love you, I love you.” “Oh, say it in French! Oh, please, say it in French!” “I don’t know French. What about Hebrew?”
“We fell in love. Well, I fell in love... she just stood there.”
“You are accused of killing over a thousand people in your term of office... of torturing hundreds of women and children. How do you plead?” “Guilty... but with an explanation.”
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